Preparing for the holidays part 2- helping dogs with big feelings
The holidays can be a very hard time for our anxious, shy or reactive dogs! Having a normally quiet predictable home suddenly filled with visitors can be very stressful.
Let’s look at some ways you can help minimize their stress.
Introducing anxious fearful dogs to new people:
Anxious fearful dogs can have different needs than our reactive dogs that tend to make more clear their need for help. Where a reactive dog tends to outwardly express their feelings, anxious fearful dogs are more likely to internalize their feelings and shutdown. If pushed too far these shutdown pups can lash out as a last attempt to communicate their needs or stress themselves to the point of becoming ill. Unfortunately most people when they see a fearful anxious dog often do all the wrong things to try to make them feel better. Helping anxious fearful dogs is generally about managing your visitors and keeping them from stressing your dog while providing your dog with support and safe spaces. So for the most part the idea is not really introducing your fearful dog to visitors as much as it is offering initial interactions that minimize pressure on your dog.
All dogs are a little bit different in what they need so I am going to offer several different ideas and plans. First of all, in my experience my fearful dogs actually do better not being separated in another closed in room. My fearful dogs like to keep an eye on the people from a comfortable distance but like the space to move. They also like being able to access me when they are feeling anxious, so I generally only separate for the initial entry as I am explaining to visitors how to help my pup cope. If you have a social dog that your dog trusts it can really help to let them watch them greeting, I tend to not over manage my social friendly dog so my shy dog sees them being very happy.
Here are the instructions I give my visitors:
“Please just pretend we only have two dogs and act like you don’t see her. “
“Do not try to touch or pet her until I give you the all clear” (I never make it a visitors responsibility to remember when and how they are supposed to pet my dog, I just tell them not to until I give them the ok).
I let them know “sniffing and investigation is not an invitation” for interaction so to continue to ignore them until I give the go ahead to touch.
For those that want to make friends with her I give them more instructions, everyone else I just leave it at that, ignore her until I tell you otherwise.
Those extra instructions for those who want to make friends:
“We will wait until I see signs she is getting comfortable and ready, until then just act like she doesn’t exist”. I don’t tell people to ignore them, as most people don’t really get what that means and can be weirder about it. Brief eye contact is more natural than completely ignoring a dog, so I will just help and interrupt if I see them staring at her. I let people know that “the harder you try to make friends and the more pressure you put on needing to be her friend the slower she will warm up, she will warm up faster if you play a little hard to get”.
I will give them a container of treats with the instructions: “every couple minutes briefly look at her and toss a treat onto that dog bed over there. If the other dogs get the treat first, just toss another one. You don’t have to say anything and she doesn’t have to sit or do any commands, just toss it on her bed. If she comes closer to you, even close enough to touch, don’t feed her from your hand, continue to toss the treat over to the bed.”
We do “triangle training” or “triangle play”. If possible we go outside and I hand the person treats or a toy, and instruct: “I will ask the dog to sit (or some other favorite easy behavior), when I say yes I want you to toss a treat (or toy) behind them.” We will do this several times and if the dog starts happily looking at the person I might have them start to be the one to say “sit” but only if the dog is showing that they want to interact more with the person (which they generally do by going back towards them after the treat toss instead of returning to us. If the dog likes to play fetch I will hand the person a toy to toss and tell them not to try to get the ball back. The dog brings the toy back to me, I hand it back to the person and we play this way. Some dogs will determine it is faster to give the toy back to the person and this can form a nice friendly bond faster than food in many cases because play tends to put dogs into a more confident space.
I let people know that “the goal is not interaction, the goal is comfort, when she feels comfortable she will seek interaction without being prompted, if you have to ask her to come closer that is her telling you she is not ready yet, be patient.”
Handling introductions with reactive dogs:
Most all of the above also help reactive dogs. However with many reactive dogs who go outward with their expressions rather than inward we may also have to explain to our visitors how to feel about our dogs barking, growling or lunging at them and take steps to avoid those reactions.
First things first, having a plan to make everyone feel safe. I like to pick between two plans depending on the dog and the situation:
Plan A: Dog is on a leash, I have someone else answer the door as I reward my dog for staying on their place away from the door, perhaps even on the other side of a baby gate. The person answering the door gives the instructions, again same as above “pretend the dog doesn’t exist until we give the ok” and suggests where they should move to “let me take your coat, go ahead and have a seat on the couch and I’ll bring you a drink” this gets the person away from the door and to a stationary location that I can then work from.
Plan B: I put the dog in another room with a stuffed kong or food puzzle as I welcome our guests. Bringing them out after things have settled down and everyone has been prepped on what to do when I bring the dog in.
For reactive dogs I always find people and dogs are more comfortable if there are clearly defined expectations and plans. I like using place training to help the dog know where to be and instruct the people to give them space when they are laying there. Any visiting kids know they are not allowed to approach the dogs when they are on their place spots. I also like using baby gates to keep dogs and visitors separate when I cannot supervise or manage things.
Reactive dogs can have reactions at many different points during the visit even after they have settled down. They might set off again every time the person stands up, moves, laughs or talks loudly, makes unexpected movements. I let my visitors know this might happen and:
“Generally reactions are the dogs way of trying to control the moment, stand still quietly and I will help them settle back down, they don't want to hurt you, they want to make you stop moving.”
“If you are planning to move it can help if you say the dogs name and toss a treat away from you as you stand up. This warns them things are changing and helps them move away. If they do run at you and bark, stand still and I will come move them away. If this makes you feel uncomfortable you can also just warn me and I will help them as you move ” (then I will use treats and the leash to help them move away from the person as they get up).
Setting the stage for success:
I always greet my visitors before the dogs do. This gives me time to give them instructions, but also lets my dogs see me engaging with them and gives them the ability to assess before anyone tries to engage with them. This often means having the dogs behind a baby gate, or I will walk outside and greet the person outside.
Many dogs with big feelings will feel better if you introduce them to visitors outside by taking a parallel walk together. This is also how I introduce them to visiting dogs, we all take a walk together and then come inside as a group rather than meeting inside.
REST! Many dogs with big feelings can struggle to settle down and rest, they become over stimulated and exhausted which can escalate their big emotions. So be sure to have a resting space sorted out for them, having an exercise pen, baby gate or other designated space where everyone knows not to engage with them, providing a chew or stuffed food toy can help them release stress and calm down.
Have an escape plan! I like to have a space set up for my dogs with big feelings incase things are not going well. It can be a quiet room they are used to, with white noise, some calming music well away from the action. If it is cold weather and the neighborhood is safe I will often use their crate in the car.
ADVOCATE for your dog’s needs. DO NOT let visitors push you off plan because they think they know better than you do. Thank them for their ideas but tell them you already have a plan you worked out with their trainer. SPEAK up if you see anyone forgetting what you asked them, know that most people mean well, they just get excited and want so badly to be your dog’s friend and forget what they were supposed to be doing, remind kindly with positive directions “Oh, I know, isn’t she so cute. But just remember she will be more comfortable when you keep eye contact brief”. If all else fails and they won’t listen about giving them space fib and say “oh, you don’t want to feed her from your hands, sometimes she eats poop”. Guaranteed to work every time 🤣
If your dog has extreme anxiety or reactivity and is not good with other people consider asking your vet for anti anxiety medication for the event. Be sure to try the medication beforehand to make sure they tolerate it well.
Be sure your dog is rested, exercised and decompressed before the event!
You can also avoid these moments all together! If you have a family members house your dog is comfortable at, could they spend the evening there? Maybe hangout with a trusted friend. We don’t always have to try to include our dogs in events that they do not enjoy.
What if you are the one doing the visiting and have your dog with you?
Much of the above applies. However your dog might be more anxious not being in their normal environment. First things first set up a safe space for them. Are you staying?
If so set up your space in the room you are staying in.
Get your dog’s things all settled, it’s nice to bring a bed/blanket/crate from home so they have a familiar resting spot.
Try to keep important things as close to the normal schedule as possible, feeding at the regular times, walks, etc.
Make sure they are getting enough rest, even if that means you have to go sit in the room with them so they will rest.
Scout out decompression walk spots nearby (sniff spots, dog friendly parks & trails, etc)
Consider staying at an airbnb or hotel if you have the means so your dog has down time away from the festivities
Not staying? Does your dog actually need to come with you or would they be more comfortable staying home?